I totally get that Rev is trying to get me involved. He keeps asking if I want to play D&D games, and goes out of his way to try to get a game that I can play going. I just wish he’d remember that I can’t play past 8 or 9, which is when the games normally start. I know I’ve told him about three times now, and it’s always the thing that gets in the way of my playing.
It just sucks to have my hopes raised, only to have to remind him ‘hey, you know i cant play past this time’ and realize that my job is royally fucking over my social life. I can’t play D&D games with my friends, I can’t hang out with my roommate at all except for pretty much Friday, Saturday, and a few hours of Sunday. During the weekdays I just want to get home and not move at all, and I’m completely exhausted from the time I wake up until the time I pass out.
I highly doubt I’ll be able to get later hours, since the entire team works the same early morning hours, and I’m scared that if I tell my supervisor she’ll either tell me too bad or look at transferring me to a different area in the store, which I really don’t want. I like what I’m doing. If I just go in a couple hours after everyone else I’d end up losing more hours than if I told her that I can only work 4 days a week, but only working 4 days a week would mean our workload doesn’t get done and it really wouldn’t matter in the long run for me since, yeah it’s a day to relax, but if I have work the next day it’s just… pointless.
I hate jumping jobs. I really do. And I know I won’t find another job in the area that pays me at least 8 bucks an hour and gives me full time hours like I am at Target. I want to work at a bookstore. I want to be able to be happy with the things I’m selling and working with, and knowing that the people stopping in are most likely enjoying what they’re buying or why they’re stopping in.
I want a job like Save-A-Lot or Jerry’s where I like the people I’m working with, where I like the hours I’m working, where I can actually smile and look forward to work instead of whining and groaning about having to go. I know I should talk to my supervisor. But anxiety sucks and she’s kind of intimidating and half the time it seems like she’s talking down to me when I’m asking questions to get a more detailed understanding of what she wants me to do. Cause telling me to just worry about setting aisles is different from ‘hey don’t worry about the displays or the extended warranty stuff, just get the shelves together’.
I like everyone else on the team other than her.
All I want is a job at a bookstore. One that pays 8 bucks an hour and gives me at least 25 to 35 hours.
I think I could be happy with that.
I’m hungry, but I don’t want to eat.
I know I should work on painting a hoodie but I feel like crying and screaming and beating a wall again.
I feel like a failure and a mooch.
I miss my mom. I miss my sister. I miss my grandma. I miss feeling like I could trust someone, talk to someone. I miss what I had.
I hate lying about being okay. I hate that I feel like I can’t talk to anyone without annoying them or feeling weak. I hate that I’m sitting downstairs refusing to go upstairs and even look Kida in the face because I might just break down and she might ask whats wrong and not take my bullshit excuses.
I hate that I;m horrible at roleplay, that I take forever to reply to anything, that I end up losing muse after a few months. I hate that I can’t think of anything interesting or original to write. I hate that I’m missing friends that have done nothing but make empty promises.
I hate my job.
I hate that my life went downhill four years ago.
I hate that no one in my family bothered to care about my happiness when I openly stated what was going on.
I hate that I have to rely on the generosity of others to get by.
I hate that I know I have to rely on others to survive while people get on just fine without me.
I hate that a game that made me smile and laugh is nothing but a chore now.
I don’t hate my life, but I hate so many aspects of it it’s a wonder why I don’t.
I’d stay home but lately whenever my roommate isn’t here I end up really depressed, and we haven’t had a lot of time lately to hang out, and this weekend would have been the perfect opportunity.
And now I don’t know what’s going on.
My entire weekend pretty much got fucked over because my roommate’s friend doesn’t want to swing by my work on our way to the Ren Fest so I can pick up my check. There’s no other way for me to get my check without staying home and missing out on everything.
I was really looking forward to going up north for the weekend.
And now I probably won’t because staying home is the easier option.
My biggest fear is that Target’s going to turn out running me as mentally ragged as Sbarros did. I like my job, I like what I do. I don’t want that to happen.
Haha I’m a giant fuck up why does anyone even associate with me
Knowing you need money, but not wanting to borrow money from anyone despite your roommate volunteering
I feel like crying and beating myself up and destroying everything around me and myself before going and seeing how much chlorine infested water i can drink before something really bad happens.
That’s how well the past couple of days have gone.
Haha I feel like shit again.
Haha I feel like shit