enchanted

Anxiety sucks and I don’t want it anymore

someone take it away

Hahaha I feel like shit and I don’t know if it’s because Valentine’s made me realize I’m a giant fuck up or if it’s because my mom isn’t around and she was the only thing that made the day even remotely fun. I’ve been depressed since last night, and all I’ve been doing really is sleeping because the day fucking sucks and im tired and irritable and don’t want to be around anyone at all.

I don’t even really want to be online, yet here I am.

Why does it matter if I spend time out of the room? Why is it a big deal if I sit in a place where it’s warm and comfortable versus someplace cold and where there’s a lot of noise? Why is it a big deal if I want to do my own thing and not worry about coming across as rude or being unable to do it because people keep interrupting me? Why is it a big deal if I want to be someplace where my cat is actually comfortable and will come sleep by me?

Why is it necessary for me to spend time in a place where people barely talk to me anyway? Where I just fret over the kids seeing something they shouldn’t on my dash? 

I don’t want to spend a lot of time around people, especially when my day has been shit or I’m not feeling well. When I feel like being around people I venture out, I sit down and talk, I watch TV in the living room. If someone wants to talk to me they know where I am. 

So why do you tell your daughter that I need to sit in the living room more? Where there’s yelling and loud noises that freak me out? Where I do nothing but my own thing anyway and ask myself when can I go back to the room?

Man, it’s so lovely to have I’m-more-worthless-than-a-sack-of-shit feelings right before i go to bed. really completes the night.

I love how I haven’t played a D&D game for over a year because my friends just suddenly stopped talking to me. I love how when the one friend that does keep in contact with me tries to get me involved I can’t because I go to sleep when they’re starting the session. I love how, despite two of the three friends I play with having my Skype, no one bothered to tell me that we’re rebooting one of our longest running games for a different edition.

Thanks, guys, really. I love that you rely on only one person to tell me whats going on even though by this point you should know that I’ll never be able to play another D&D session with you guys because of schedule conflicts.

I love that only one person ever makes an effort to actually do anything with me, even if its just occasionally running through GW2 stuff together.

Yeah. Really great friends.

It really sucks when you want to hang out, you really do, but work schedules get in the way. So, you plan a time to hang out with a friend, even if its just to drop off Christmas presents, and when another friend gets home she just mentions that you could have waited to see your friend until she got home.

It sucks cause I didn’t know what time my roommate got off of work. If I had known she would have been home a little after two I would have waited, I really would have, since it wasn’t that long after I got home and we’re all friends so it would have made sense to see each other together. And now I’m sitting in the bedroom alone cause I’m too nervous to go out into the living room in case she’s mad at me, feeling really bad and upset cause on top of not knowing when she was going to be home she went to see The Hobbit with her brother, and other friends are in a skype call I can’t be part of because I’m lacking headphones that work and a working mic.

And now I’ve just lost… all motivation to do anything. I just want to curl up and sleep even though I told myself I’d be productive today. 

I totally get that Rev is trying to get me involved. He keeps asking if I want to play D&D games, and goes out of his way to try to get a game that I can play going. I just wish he’d remember that I can’t play past 8 or 9, which is when the games normally start. I know I’ve told him about three times now, and it’s always the thing that gets in the way of my playing.

It just sucks to have my hopes raised, only to have to remind him ‘hey, you know i cant play past this time’ and realize that my job is royally fucking over my social life. I can’t play D&D games with my friends, I can’t hang out with my roommate at all except for pretty much Friday, Saturday, and a few hours of Sunday. During the weekdays I just want to get home and not move at all, and I’m completely exhausted from the time I wake up until the time I pass out.

I highly doubt I’ll be able to get later hours, since the entire team works the same early morning hours, and I’m scared that if I tell my supervisor she’ll either tell me too bad or look at transferring me to a different area in the store, which I really don’t want. I like what I’m doing. If I just go in a couple hours after everyone else I’d end up losing more hours than if I told her that I can only work 4 days a week, but only working 4 days a week would mean our workload doesn’t get done and it really wouldn’t matter in the long run for me since, yeah it’s a day to relax, but if I have work the next day it’s just… pointless.

I hate jumping jobs. I really do. And I know I won’t find another job in the area that pays me at least 8 bucks an hour and gives me full time hours like I am at Target. I want to work at a bookstore. I want to be able to be happy with the things I’m selling and working with, and knowing that the people stopping in are most likely enjoying what they’re buying or why they’re stopping in.

I want a job like Save-A-Lot or Jerry’s where I like the people I’m working with,  where I like the hours I’m working, where I can actually smile and look forward to work instead of whining and groaning about having to go. I know I should talk to my supervisor. But anxiety sucks and she’s kind of intimidating and half the time it seems like she’s talking down to me when I’m asking questions to get a more detailed understanding of what she wants me to do. Cause telling me to just worry about setting aisles is different from ‘hey don’t worry about the displays or the extended warranty stuff, just get the shelves together’.

I like everyone else on the team other than her.

I just

All I want is a job at a bookstore. One that pays 8 bucks an hour and gives me at least 25 to 35 hours.

I think I could be happy with that.

I’m hungry, but I don’t want to eat.

I know I should work on painting a hoodie but I feel like crying and screaming and beating a wall again.

I feel like a failure and a mooch.

I miss my mom. I miss my sister. I miss my grandma. I miss feeling like I could trust someone, talk to someone. I miss what I had.

I hate lying about being okay. I hate that I feel like I can’t talk to anyone without annoying them or feeling weak. I hate that I’m sitting downstairs refusing to go upstairs and even look Kida in the face because I might just break down and she might ask whats wrong and not take my bullshit excuses.

I hate that I;m horrible at roleplay, that I take forever to reply to anything, that I end up losing muse after a few months. I hate that I can’t think of anything interesting or original to write. I hate that I’m missing friends that have done nothing but make empty promises.

I hate my job. 

I hate that my life went downhill four years ago. 

I hate that no one in my family bothered to care about my happiness when I openly stated what was going on.

I hate that I have to rely on the generosity of others to get by.

I hate that I know I have to rely on others to survive while people get on just fine without me.

I hate that a game that made me smile and laugh is nothing but a chore now.

I don’t hate my life, but I hate so many aspects of it it’s a wonder why I don’t.

I’d stay home but lately whenever my roommate isn’t here I end up really depressed, and we haven’t had a lot of time lately to hang out, and this weekend would have been the perfect opportunity. 

And now I don’t know what’s going on.

My entire weekend pretty much got fucked over because my roommate’s friend doesn’t want to swing by my work on our way to the Ren Fest so I can pick up my check. There’s no other way for me to get my check without staying home and missing out on everything.

I was really looking forward to going up north for the weekend.

And now I probably won’t because staying home is the easier option.